It always amazes me...

that we battle with ourselves more than we potentially battle with anyone else.

Why do we feel this need to beat ourselves up?

This week I stayed the same in weight. I was gutted. And yet, I shouldn't be! I should be wrapped because of what I did to make sure I stayed the same.

This week I went out with a girlfriend for lunch and chose to eat bacon and mushroom fettuccine. Yum! I didn't eat all of it, instead pushing about a quarter of it to one side. Knowing that it was extremely high in points I worked my butt off to make sure that I mitigated the potential weight gain. Later in the week it was my birthday and a surprise trip out for dinner by my loving partner meant another night of 'hard to count the points' meal. We had Thai. I chose the lowest fat version, a chicken stirfry but perhaps choosing the satay version wasn't the best plan of action. So this week I have been like a mad woman, on the treadmill, kicking up dust, pounding the pavement, making sure that I did everything I could to minimize the damage. I even drank 1 litre of water every day! This from a woman who simply doesn't drink a drop at all.

I should be proud of my efforts. I know I should, and deep down I am because it means that I'm controlling my destiny not letting the food control me, but all I can see is a wasted week. I wasn't even going to go along to the weigh in so fearful of what the scales were going to say but "with the good sometimes comes the not so good" so I faced the music.

There are so many good things that I've learnt and are in practice that I wouldn't have done before. I mean I would NEVER have worked hard like that to minimize the effect of choosing to eat a wrong food choice, I would have just given up and thought I'd failed so why continue to bother.

And staying the same is much much better than putting on!

OK, I'm starting to feel better now. It's great to talk about this sometimes, and by the time you get through talking you sometimes are left wondering what was wrong in the first place!

Thanks for being my ear!

Fruit instead of Buscuits

I never thought I'd say it but a few revelations hit me this morning.

The first one was as I was eating a nectarine with my coffee. I realised that I had stood at the pantry door and chosen between eating an apricot or a nectarine. I hadn't chosen and deliberated between a piece of fruit and a biscuit, but two pieces of fruit! The biscuit hadn't even entered into the equation. Amazing!

The second thing was that instead of food controlling my every movement, I'm learning to control my food. I went to town on business a few days back and got home around lunch time. My tummy was grumbling and old habits would have seen me come in the door, thinking I was dying because I was hungry, enter the pantry and eat whatever I could to erase the rumbling tummy. Almost in a frenzy-type-state I'd crawl out of the binging exercise and wonder what I'd done... This day however, I'd been to the supermarket on my way home and purchased a few things and at the same time I'd purchased a pre-packaged weight watcher meal. It needed 30 minutes of cooking time in the oven. Believe me, the old me, wouldn't have waited. But this new me, who is seriously starting to surprise me, did wait. The first thing I did when I walked inside was turn the oven on. Then I bought in the groceries and unpacked them. By that time the oven had warmed up and in went the meal. I had 30 minutes to kill, so I went and did some work (I work from home) and next thing I knew the oven timer is going off and lunch was ready. And I realised that it hadn't taken a great deal of effort to do this, in fact, it was almost easy.

The third thing is that there can be chocolate and other sweet type things in the house and I don't have to eat them. I don't have to miss out on anything if I choose a low fat, but yet still yummy version, of the same item. For example, my partner loves vanilla icrecream. I love chocolate icecream and cookies and cream icrecream, both of which weight watchers has a version of, and they're much lighter in points values. I always have some in the freezer so when my partner indulges, I can too.

I also have a favourite mini fruit cake muffin recipe. I have them frozen in the freezer and pull out a container when needed. I pretty much have one of these a day. At 1 point each, I enjoy it with my evening cup of tea. So some nights I have dinner, then icrecream, then a fruit mini muffin. Doesn't feel like I'm missing out on anything does it?!

I guess though, even with all these revelations happening to me lately, I still know that at any minute I could loose it. Perhaps simply being aware of it is enough to help me help myself from losing it? Understand that?

Weigh In: Wk 14: Loss 900 grm

900 grams this week. A total of 9.1 kilos.

I decided at the beginning of my journey to keep wearing the same clothes to weigh in each week.

This week I put my jeans on and I 'had to' wear a belt with them as well. The last few weeks if I walked around they would fall down but my bottom roll held them up, but this week, they just fell to the ground so a belt was absolutely needed. Cool a!

The only thing about wearing the same clothes is that people get used to you and they don't notice the change each week but that's OK because after another 10 kilo's or so I plan to go in wearing something quite fitting and we'll see if any of the regular's notice then hehehe

So over the Christmas break the weight loss (and gain) went something like this:

Weigh In: Wk 11: Gain 100 grams *see separate blog on this

Weigh In: Wk 12: Loss 200 grams

Weigh In: Wk 13: Loss 500 grams

I did go into the Warehouse (a NZ store) and tried on a top. I thought I'd be cheeky and try on a size 16 but blow me away it was too big so I found myself out at the rack getting a size 14. Now, I'm still not a general size 14 but it was GREAT to know that I had managed to get into a size 14 never-the-less.

I'm also only 400 grams away from reaching 10% of my weight loss (although I'm not sure how they come to this figure) and 900 grams away from loosing another 5 kilo block. I'm aiming high this week. It's not unachievable to aim to loose another 900 grams. If I'm careful this week I could ultimately achieve these next two milestones next week. I would be wrapped and with nothing on the agenda that could upset this plan of attack (that's foreseeable anyway) there's no reason for me not to do it.

Rock on....hopefully July / August 2010 I will reach my goal. Can't wait!!!!

Post Christmas

I had a pretty good Christmas all up. I'll update my gain, yes gain, and my subsequent losses. There is a story behind my gain which I'll share just in case someone else comes up against it. Forewarned is forearmed!

It's a Tuesday again and I'm about half an hour away from my weekly weigh-in. I always weigh myself on my home scales, and so far I weigh about 200 grams heavier on my home scales. I only weigh on a Tuesday morning. I guess I need the room to grieve if the scales ever went in the upward direction instead of down. At least when I went to weigh in officially I wouldn't be so upset in public and I'd be able to really focus on taking what I needed from the meeting instead of wallowing in my self-pity and despair and missing out on the support.

I have weighed on my home scales and I think I'll be happy with this week (which will be a loss) but will update that loss officially later today.

I'm wearing belts with all my jeans now, but still can't fit into some older pairs I have from my previous WW weight loss try 3. I've got another 4 kilo's to go until then so that's a plan isn't it. I'll aim for that.

I've made the decision, that as this is my last time, as I undergrow my clothes (I like that saying) I'm going to throw them out. I'm not ever going to be in the position to need them again as I'm doing this for the last time, so why keep the clothes?!

In fact I guess if they are half way decent clothes, I could always take them into my WW meetings and give them to those ladies who have reached my previous weights...perhaps an idea?

Right, time to go...more later.

Weigh In: Wk 10: Loss 1 Kilo

Well, all my issues aside, I had a great week weight loss wise! One whole kilo! Fantastic really.

I had said to myself that I'd like to give myself a kick in the butt and get some larger losses being recorded and so pushed myself up to 40 minutes of exercise this past week. I also tried and succeeded to walk five days a week, which I think I actually achieved, even though I'm sure I only did 30 minutes of exercise on a couple of those days.

Still, what a great result. Would love to do that again this coming week so will give it a go.

I took my measurements this morning. Wow. Off my chest I've lost 7.5 cm's, off my waist I've lost 5 cm's, off my hips I've lost 4 cm's, and even off my neck I've lost 2 cm's. I can slip my gold bangle off my hand now without any effort and I never thought I'd say this but boy I'm getting annoyed at having my pants feeling like they are going to fall down all the time - I may have to buy a belt!

I am enjoying the christmas festivities too. I made mini muffin christmas cakes last week. 1 points value per serve and I enjoy one a day. My mum can't believe my diet is as varied as it is, with the type of food I'm putting away and still losing weight.

As I have said before, this time it's all the way. All the way to my goal weight. Time to look after my body and give it every opportunity to live a long and healthy life.

Wk 10: Feelings

Wow, what a scary week this week. I can't believe how easy it would be to de-rail. I can feel all my old habits just sitting under the surface just waiting for the opportunity to shine through again. This week I want to eat. I want to pick. I want to snack.

Strangely I can still control my portion sizes. I can still tell when I'm full and stop but within 30 minutes I'm feeling the need to shovel more food into my mouth. I'm trying desperately to analyse the feelings behind the 'wanting to eat' because I figure if I can work those out I can work on stopping them but all I get is this feeling of extreme nervousness and anxiety coursing through my body and my head is saying...."eat it now because it may not be there in 10 minutes"

I will pat myself on the back though for the small things I've achieved this week.

I've increased my exercise from 20 minutes to 40 minutes, or at the least 30 minutes. I've walked 40 minutes twice this week, and 30 minutes twice this week, and before weigh day again next Tuesday, I will walk twice more.

I made mini muffin sized christmas cake on Friday. I worked out the points value, which was 1 point each serve. Whilst I've had one mini muffin per day it has been within my daily points values. In the past I would have easily just started eating them and carried on until they were finished.

I'm also finding that I'm struggling with breakfast. Not that I'm missing it but that I'm struggling with what exactly to have. I'm tired of toast, of crumpets, of french toast, of muesli, and of muffins. Crikey mate, look at that list. How on earth could I get tired - I eat such a varied range of breakfasts - and yet I am. In the mornings I walk between the fridge and the pantry trying to work out what it is that I want to eat....that to me is a recipe for disaster because in the past that has lent towards a bad decision.

I read somewhere ages ago that to break an old habit and form new ones takes about three months. That the crunch time where people generally fall down is around the three months. Things feel the toughest, the hardest and it's when they struggle the most. The body is rebelling against the new in favor of the old....because it's simpler, because it's well known, because it's familiar. Well, I'm NOT going back to the old ways because that means FAT. I will push through this - I will carry on losing weight because I want to. God help me, because I need your strength.

Weigh In: Wk 9: Loss 400 grams

OK, so it's not much but it's all heading in the downward direction. 6.6 kilos to date. What a great achievement - I'm so proud of myself. And now instead of 30 kilos to lose, I know only have 23.4 kilos to lose. I'm that much closer!

I've received a bit of a blow but it's all under control. I have depression and have been very tearful over the last week. Been to see the doctor and had a good talk about it and the direction in which I need to travel. I'm hoping that I can retain focus on keeping under my points.

I have also increased my walking each day. I'm going to do 40 minutes each day with probably a couple of days off a week. At the moment I only do 30 minutes. Hopefully that will help increase the weight loss next week. I guess we'll find out next Tuesday.