I don't know - I feel as if I'm carrying around a poor me chip on my shoulder today. How ridiculous really and how pathetic to be honest.
I have just spent the morning reading the message boards on WW and instead of being inspired they have today made me feel really down. I've no idea why....oh that's poo, I do but I feel so ridiculous about the reason that I even feel bad for writing it here.
I feel down because everyone else is so funny and so alive in their messages and I feel so false even though I'm writing from my heart. I have always been my worst critic. I have always been the hardest person toward myself. I have always beaten myself up and it's not even only about my weight but about everything about myself.
I spend so much of my life looking after the feelings of others that it ends up at my own detriment and when I do stand up for myself or look out for my own feelings I get stood on by those around me.
And even re-reading this blog I'm jumping from feeling to feeling. What is wrong with me?
I used to want such a crowded life, now I hide away with myself and call myself lucky that I have a couple of close friends that fulfil certain areas in life. Having a crowded life means a risk of being hurt by others. I know I'm lucky to have close friends but this depression is not even something I want to inflict on them. No matter how close they are there is only a certain amount of shoulder leaning I feel you can do even on your closest friends. I don't know, but I've always been a listener, not a talker and I don't like to think that I'm a burden on anyone and yet there are times when I wish with everything I am that there was someone out there who would be there for me 24/7 and the weirdest thing is I have three people who would be - god, how lucky am I, and yet something stops me from asking them to lend an ear.
What I don't understand is WHY am I sad now....why?
And what on earth has this got to do with losing weight???
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