My brain was thinking silly thoughts and my body was responding with wave after wave of panic.
"What will I do if I can't have that", "How can I say no to that", "I'll be so deprived", "I'll be so hungry", "If I don't eat that now, someone else might eat it then it won't be there for me to eat anymore and that would just be awful so I'll eat it now", and the list could go on and on.
I loved food and the power it has over me is huge. If it is in the house and I know it's there it calls me. No amount of distraction helps because the moment I stop distracting myself that little voice starts up again and before you know it it's in my mouth and I'm swallowing it down.
I could never work out why it mattered to me if someone else ate it first. Let's be honest, if I really wanted one later I could just hop in the car and drive to the nearest dairy or supermarket and buy another one. When food is so available and accessible, and tomorrow was as good a day as today, why was it that I couldn't leave the food alone. Why couldn't I have one piece today and another tomorrow - why did I start with one piece and not finish until they were all gone?
For some the decision to begin comes after much struggling and they are still struggling on the day. For others something very small will trigger the moment you make the decision or a comment made by someone whether, passerby, family or friend. For some it will be a health scare and for others, you will just find yourself on the path already having taken two or three steps.
For me I spent months beating myself up, telling myself that I'd fail again, and worrying about what I'd do if I got hungry.
There are of course much deeper issues surrounding loosing weight for me, and maybe some of those same issues are your issues too. Issues such as the fear of loosing the love of those closest to you (maybe they like you fat for their own reasons), or the fear of not having those familiar and safe excuses to fall back onto in times of insecurity, or the fear of not handling the situation once you had lost the weight.
For me loosing weight is like throwing off a blanket of security I've worn my entire life. What excuse can I come up with if I don't want to do something the makes me feel unsafe, what can I do if I can't eat when I'm upset, happy, mad or just want to be bad, and one of the biggest issues is will I forever have to watch what I eat and never enjoy the wanton abandonment of eating whatever I want when out having lunch with friends or a evening meal with a family.
For me these thoughts are familiar and in their odd way reassuring but trust me when I say that as you progress down the path, those old thoughts fall away and new and exciting ones take their place. There are some things that you can't control, such as what others around you will say or do but trust in their love for you and trust in yourself and keep saying to yourself "I'll handle whatever comes my way".
Ironically for me I woke up one morning and just knew that it was time - after months of beating myself up. There was no more panic, no more worries, just a clear direction that I was doing this...and for the last time.
So, let's take a look at how I've chosen to loose weight....
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